Breaking isolation #1/90: Hiding

When you need solitude hiding feels like relief. When you fear you have no right to belong, hiding hurts. It physically hurts because you start by cutting off your breath and closing off your heart. As an attempt to exist less. As an attempt to feel less.

Hiding due to hurting feels bad but there is some sense of time passing connected to it. As if we know that at some point; the hurting will pass too.

Hiding out of shame feels eternal, like there is no end in sight. Shame is a thick smoke and a blurry cloud that feels like a heavy cloak making it almost impossible to access yourself.

Hiding out of fear of the truth feels stupid. Whatever it is, it's inevitable and you know it. And still you chose the pain of hiding over the pain in presence.

”Being present hurts a little bit.

You have to say you’re sorry every time.

For having ever left”

A quote from the blog www.healingmyreligion.com

Presence reveals us. All aspects, paradoxes and ’what’s true’ rise to the surface simultaneously for a moment. Presence reveals especially how we deal with being revealed.

If we are pushed or forced to be present with something we are not ready for; we loose our option to interact. And with it, eventually, our will to interact. Interaction goes from giving a sense of connection to being a source of fear. Even a simple question like being asked how you are doing awakens the discomfort of intrusion instead of the feeling of being noticed. Simply being present may start feeling synonymous with being exposed, even exploited.

Temporary hiding allows for our system to experience what it's like to be free from the invasive intrusion of reality. To experience peace for a moment when peace can’t be found. The presence of peace, even temporarily, is vital for the movement in the lungs and heart to return to us as something more than just physical functions. Making peace with something prepares us for interaction again.

May you hide to return.

Camilla